Procrastinating & My Story

Yes, I’m a bad little witch. I’m still procrastinating on writing that second part of the history post.  Sorry, I just wanted to share one more thing.

I don’t want anyone to think that I’m just tossing stuff out there. So I thought I would share my story today.  I’ll try to keep it short, sweet, and to the point, but I felt it was important for my readers to understand where I’m coming from as well.

So, I found this path in an odd way. After a horrible experience with bullying (the whole class, life scaring type) my parents moved me down to my grandparents house. Into a Lutheran, albeit casual, household with strong Norwegian roots. That will come into play later.

I was struggling to adjust and a little tired of mainstream everything. I started out as one of those pagans that frustrate me. One who was doing it to rebel against the man and to use magick to solve all my problems. There’s a reason I’m so fervent on those points.

I didn’t have much to be happy about and I really didn’t know anything about any religion other than Christianity. I knew that others existed, but I had been taught that this was the only right path. I didn’t dislike it but I had never felt at home. While I loved the message of Christ and the bible, I had so many questions that no one could seem to answer without just saying one of the following: because I said so, because the bible tells me so, because it’s right, or (my favorite) so you don’t burn in hell. I just felt like something was missing.

I had started reading about other religions due to a class project. I was in the sixth grade. Very young and very stupid. I wasn’t intending to hop religions and so far nothing had really caught my eye. I mean I adopted some concepts from Buddhism and Taoism.  I had also enjoyed reading about Japanese religions, due to my insane passion for Japan.

I was having trouble with the project until one night we were watching tv. My grandmother and I ended up watching a new show called Charmed.  I hate to say that it was a tv show that led me to my happy place, but its true.

I laughed about there being a Wiccan religion and I was corrected by the adults around me, but no one would tell me more. It wouldn’t be till much later that I would find out that many of the superstitions my grandmother held were related to distant family traditions from the old country, Norway.

So I started researching, because what kid doesn’t what to know what adults won’t tell them about? In my research I found two things that drew me to this path. The first simply being the basic concepts of respect, love of the Earth, etc.  The second related to my mom. I thought magick was a potential quick fix to years of her being ill and a few near death experiences.

I jumped in, made my mistakes, took my licks, and then I really started to delve deeper.  Particularly trying to start my own coven and casting love spells, just like any other dumb teenager might do and all without the guidance of my family because I was terrified of their reaction (with somewhat good reason apparently). But something was still drawing me in.

I did my research. My year and a day, the way I should have in the first place. I grew wiser, but I never felt like I really got further. I tried joining groups in college. Some were better than others. A few led to some of the worst decisions of my life, including a creepy, hippy, Christ look alike pagan boyfriend. But that’s a whole other can of worms. I was always learning, but I was still missing something. It was like climbing a ladder but never reaching the top.

As I went along I continued to learn and tried to find that missing piece of the puzzle.  I also tried to share what I had learned with others, making sure to let them know that I didn’t have all the answers or that there were things they would have to look elsewhere to learn.  Based on past experience, I learned to only teach what I knew very very well and most of it was basic information and materials that I had found along the way.

It wasn’t until I moved to Louisville that I found what I was looking for.  I didn’t have a lot of friends. I didn’t even have a job yet. I was living with a friend and cleaning her house in lieu of a place to stay.  During my down time, be that after chores or during my depression, I was looking for a group where I could fit in. I tried several.

I went to an OTO meeting, which was not my cup of tea. They are a wonderful group, but I learned that night that I was not a “high magick tradition” person.  I could never be Gardinarian or Golden Dawn. It felt very stiff to me. No offense to anyone on any of those paths. I have learned from wonderful things from their writings and those few experiences, but it just wasn’t for me.

It wasn’t long after those events that I found Matrix, a local pagan store in Louisville. If you’re ever in the area it’s on Shelby street just off Broadway by the UPS store. Even though Lady G has passed, the new owner is still trying to push forward with her teaching in mind.

Anyway, I ended up attending an open circle there and learned about the classes. The instant I walked in I felt comfortable even though I was late (I had misread the calendar).  I went to a few circles and was eventually informed about the classes.

I took three of the four classes before my mentors passing. I can’t even begin to explain how much I learned and grew. It also forced me to look back, see my growing pains over the years, and accept my mistakes. It may sound simple, but it was really a lot to chew on. It took maturity, introspection, and some humility to accomplish.

I owe a lot to my mentor.  I owe her for forcing me to critically analyzing my beliefs. I owe her for helping me in times of crisis. I owe her for helping me figure out to do when I found out I was seven months pregnant with no clue what to do. Lady G was the Goddess speaking to me and helping me find my way, when I had nearly lost hope of finding that last little piece of the puzzle.

Where does that leave me now? That was a question I was asking myself for the first couple of months after we lost her. I know what I want to do, but I’m waiting to see if that is what the Goddess has in store for me.

What do I hope/think my calling is? I think that I’m meant to share the knowledge that was shared with me. I think that this is where I need to start until the Goddess tells me otherwise.

What would I like to do long term? I have two answers to this.

1. I want to become a pastoral counselor or clergy for the pagan faith.  I want to be able to help people, through this faith, overcome their problems. I think that’s why I ended up in psychology instead of Music Therapy and I think its why I was brought to Lady G, to start an even deeper path and passion for my faith.

2. I would love to one day find another mentor, like Lady G, so that I could begin the long and painful process of becoming a leader for those in my community. I don’t know if that just means running a grove, or teaching, or becoming a high priestess. I’ll leave that in the Goddess’s hands.

So, that is my story. It’s where I began, the mistakes I made, a few of the lessons I learned, and a lot of the growing pains that I’ve experienced in this lifetime.  I merely hope that I can teach someone something, anything, to help them find their own path. I hope that one day I can be blessed enough to help someone find that last missing element, as Lady G did for me.

Like I said, I do this in her honor and for all those who are missing/searching for that piece of the puzzle.

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